You're A Mean One, Mr Blik
by Irk Splee
Summary: A Christmas party at the Cramdilly mansion results in an impromptu parody song session. Goofy oneshot. May this tide you over for the good stuff.


Well, hey, folks! After all that serious mess we've all slogged through, I figured it was time for something a bit more lighthearted and... festive! Yes, it's the Irk Splee Christmas Special! I had this planned last year, but stuff kept coming up and I really had no time... now that I have one little free patch I'm taking what I can get! A few notes before getting on with the show:

1. This really has NOTHING to do with my main series of fic. If something happens here that would make later things crumble into a paradoxical mess, just remember that this is on the same canon level as "Jeopardy". Waffle was never really on a game show with Leo and Aryneail, and the cats never did... well... this.

2. Why yes, I DID have to add an original character to the mess! Remember Ellie, your host from Jeopardy? Well, she's back. Oh, and for the record, those who have roleplayed with me or read any roleplay quizzes I may have done online, she's not Irk. Completely different character and a lot more boring. There's a reason I don't use her anymore! Of course, she fits the role of "regular ol' human with no completely spazzy traits" quite well, so in she goes. Enjoy it while it lasts; I can't say you'll never see her again, but honestly, I don't see anywhere she'd fit except for dorky parody stuff like this.

3. Time line... this takes place... well, nowhere. No other fics happened. It's just floating around in the same AlternateUniverseVille as Jeopardy. Accept it.

4. Script format? SCRIPT FORMAT?! It just worked a lot better. My partner-in-crime and I did write Jeopardy in script and then convert it, but it's just SO awkward that I'm leaving this as-is. Dialogue humor doesn't work as prose. This may be the last time I do this, but hey, if any other opportunity for doinky parody ever shows itself I'm snagging it. Nothing planned, though. Sorry script-lovers.

* * *

Narrator: December... some may consider it the best month of the entire year, with all its holidays, the sense of togetherness that comes with said holidays... and, of course, the parties. Who can resist a good party?

Blik: WOULD YOU GUYS TURN THAT RACKET DOWN?!

Narrator: Ah, well, it looks like someone can. Our story takes place on a December night- which one, it's not too clear- at none other than the Cramdilly mansion. Forget your fantasies of a blanket of snow and only a slight chill; the junk on the ground could be better described as "slush", and the slight chill? Try hypothermia-inducing misery. There's a reason these guys aren't out playing in it. Rather, the fire is lit and everyone is in the living room with the radio going. Let us check how that's going...

Waffle: Aw, come on, Mr. Blik! It's FUN. Don't you like Christmas songs?!

Blik: Not really, and ESPECIALLY not when you insist on SCREAMING them at the top of your LUNGS!

Ellie: Aw, but come on, that's the point! Why do you think I got Waffle to drag the karaoke machine out of the basement?

Blik: I don't know why we even have that thing, no one's ever used it... and why'd you have to invite her, anyway, Waffle? Who is she again?

Waffle: Remember when I was on that game show? Well, she was one of the hosts... the one who didn't try to kill me... so I invited her! More friends! Yeah!

Blik: (crossing his arms) Huh. Still don't see why you had to.

Katilda: Now, come on, Blik, you had YOUR invite...

Blik: Yeah, but we all know you. That's different.

Kimberly: But if you can invite a friend and so can Gordon... why can't Waffle?

Gordon: The lass does not seem to be causing a lot of trouble...

Blik: She still doesn't have to be here! We don't KNOW her!

Waffle: Well, I do!

Blik: Oh really. Then what's her name?

Waffle: Oh, that's easy! She's... she's... (brow furrowed in thought. It's not an easy thing for him.)

Ellie: (after several seconds of silence pass, volunteers her name herself) Ellie.

Waffle: Yeah. Ellie. Right, that's it! Her name is Ellie! See? I knew. (sticks tongue out)

Blik: Well, ELLIE, this whole music thing was your idea, wasn't it?

Ellie: Yeah...

Blik: In that case... I ORDER YOU TO SHUT IT OFF!

Ellie: Huh. Spoilsport. You're not very nice... oh! Hey! I have an idea!

Blik: Does this idea involve turning off the radio?

Ellie: Not at all! (dives into a nearby bag and starts flipping through the CDs)

Blik: How many Christmas karaoke CDs did you find down there?!

Ellie: (not looking up from the bag) A lot... ah! Here it is! Waffle, put this in on track five, would you?

Waffle: Right! (nods, goes over and messes with the CD part of the machine)

Ellie: (picks up the microphone and waits)

Gordon: Just what are ye planning, lass?

Ellie: Oh, you'll all see.

Waffle: CD in! Track set! Pressing play! (does so, music begins to play)

Blik: (as the intro starts) What in the world? Why this?

Katilda: Oh, I love this song!

Kimberly: So do I!

Gordon: It is a good one, but... just what does this have to do with anything?

Kimberly: And why aren't you looking at the screen?

Ellie: Don't need it! (starts singing)

_You're a mean one, Mr. Blik!_

Blik: What?!

Ellie:_ What a rotten cat you are!_

_You prance around and preen, always bragging you're the star, Mr. Blik..._

_If only you knew that you're wrong by far!_

Katilda: Oh my... (snicker)

Blik: Katilda?! My own mate!

Katilda: Aw, come on, even you have to admit it's true!

Blik: But... but...

Katilda: Hey, can I do a verse?

Ellie: Sure! Step right up!

Blik: KATILDA!

Katilda: (doesn't respond; the music's back)

_You're a coward, Mr. Blik!_

Blik: HEY!

Katilda:_ When trouble is in sight_

_You run away and get someone to try and win your fight, Mr. Blik_

_And though that tactic works, it really isn't right!_

Blik: Huh. Don't see why that's such a big deal... I'm still alive, aren't I?

Katilda: I never said it didn't work. I just said it was a stupid idea.

Blik: No it's not, because cowardice is what keeps me in one piece!

Katilda: Whatever makes you feel better, Blik.

Waffle: Next verse is starting! (yanks the microphone from Katilda's paw and - sings? - nah, warbles off-key is more accurate. He's rather hesitant and is completely out of time with the music.)

_You're... a... PICKLE, Mr. Blik!_

Blik: Oh, don't even bring that up-

Waffle:_And you didn't take it well!_

_You then spent your time with hobos just as far as we can tell, Mr. Blik_

_While Gordon and I partied, 'cause you weren't around to give us-_

Ellie: (grabs the microphone) Right, then, who's next?

Blik: NOBODY MOVE! You're all doing it wrong anyway, you don't even match the stupid music!

Ellie: We're all improvising, of course it's not going to match perfectly!

Waffle: (pouting) You didn't have to rip it out of my hand, I just ran out of rhymes...

Kimberly: (while the others argue, takes the microphone from Ellie's hand)

_You're a rude one, Mr. Blik_

Blik: Wha- why- since when does Human Kimberly-

Gordon: Hush, the lass is singing... (utterly entranced)

Kimberly:_You just want to get your way_

_Doesn't matter what it takes, on top you wish to stay, Mr. Blik_

_Even if you have to step on people day after day!_

Ellie: ...um, right... (kind of shocked to hear that from the mouth of a ten-year-old)

Kimberly: It's stuff I've heard Gordon say, I just made it rhyme... (blush)

Gordon: (completely ignored the words) Aye, and you did lovely, Human Kimberly...

Blik: Yeah, yeah, bla bla gooey. Well, you did four verses, the song should be over by now... why is it not over?

Waffle: I put it on repeat.

Blik: You what?!

Ellie: Good thinking! Who's next?

Gordon: Well, I suppose I could sing a verse...

_You lack honor, Mr. Blik_

Blik: OK, who didn't see THAT coming?

Gordon:_You cheat, you trick, you lie_

_You'd rather take the easy way than give something a try, Mr. Blik_

_But that's just you, my brother, a schemer until you die_

Blik: Wonderful. Just wonderful. Well, now that everyone's had their turns taking shots at me-

Waffle: No, not everyone! HOVIS!

Hovis: (pokes in) Yes, Waffle?

Waffle: Wanna sing? We're all singing about Blik!

Hovis: I heard...

Waffle: You should sing too!

Ellie: (raises eyebrow) Um, no offense meant, but... him?

Waffle: Hey, he used to be a singer!

Hovis: But I'm not all that good anymore, you know that-

Katilda: Neither is anyone else here! Just take a break from dusting and take the mic!

Hovis: Very well... (rather than attempt his Love Jackal voice again, is more speaking in rhythm than singing. Well, I guess it's less strain...)

_You're quite bossy, Mr. Blik_

Blik: Your point?

Hovis:_Always ordering me to_

_complete all your mile-long lists of inane chores to do, Mr. Blik_

_Believe or not, I'd like to have a life too!_

Waffle: Yeah! (clapclap) Yeah! See? You did it!

Hovis: I... suppose I did... well, now that I have obliged you, I have some laundry to complete. (places the mic in the stand and wanders away)

Ellie: That was... interesting...

Blik: Well, everyone's done, we can shut it off-

Ellie: (taking the mic) Not just yet!

_But we still love ya, Mr. Blik_

Blik: If you sing one more verse- wait, what?

Ellie:_ Despite all you do wrong_

_You've gotta know we're playing, should have guessed it all along, Mr. Blik_

_So, we've had our turns, how about you finish the song?_

Blik: Certainly! (jumps up and grabs the mic from Ellie's hand) Hey, Waffle, turn off repeat, we're almost done!

Waffle: (nods, fiddles with the buttons as Blik begins his verse)

Blik:_I'm the king! I'm Mr. Blik!_

_Number one! Cream of the crop!_

_No matter what you sing, I will never stop being Mr. Blik_

_Because it's just who I am and who I will always be! I'M! ON! TOP!_

(takes a quick bow as the song changes to a tinny karaoke version of "Jingle Bells")

Waffle: (takes the mic) Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...

Narrator: So, let's take things out of the house, shall we? Trust me, zooming out is the best thing I could have done for you. Waffle's a good cat and all, but hearing him squeal "Batman Smells", "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth", "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas", and other holiday "favorites"... no, it's not pleasant, as you can well imagine. But if this hasn't been enough, there are other events I can show you; the mistletoe came out, as is usual in these proceedings...

(back to a view in the house!)

Katilda: Hey, Blik... (points up, grins wickedly, and pretty much attacked Blik with her kiss before he even has time to react)

Blik: Mmmph!

Waffle: (grinning due to his success, drags his mistletoe on a pole over to his brother)

Gordon: ...oh, but lad, who am I going to-

Kimberly: I'm here. (crouches down and pecks Gordon on the lips) There! (grin)

Gordon: ...(blank look for a few seconds) (huge smile after it registers) (faints)

Kimberly: Gordon?

Waffle: (snicker) Who else... oooh! (taps Ellie on the shoulder with the pole)

Ellie: What is it- ...oh. Mistletoe.

Waffle: I never got to do this before.

Ellie: Erm... neither have I...

Waffle: Think I could now? I mean, not that it's personal or anything, but, my brothers had their first tonight too and I just, well-

Ellie: (sigh) Fine. (if pecks could be briefer than Kimberly's, this one was)

Waffle: ...that's it?

Ellie: I guess. (washes the fur out with a swig of soda)

Narrator: No, I don't think she much enjoyed that either. The karaoke continued after all that, though I must admit, Ellie's taste is... questionable...

(various clips!)

Ellie: Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass 'cause you've always been a rotten little brat!

Ellie: Bow down, bow down before the power of Santa or be crushed, be crushed by his jolly boots of doom!

Ellie: I'm comin' out for Christmas, comin' out today, so here's your Christmas present; Mom and Dad, I'm gay!

Narrator: Um, yeah. All with a ten-year-old girl and, well, WAFFLE present. Gordon gave her an earful after that one. And, of course, the Christmas party standby that is spiked eggnog.

(back to house)

Kimberly: (asleep on the couch for all this, thank goodness)

Blik: So, uh, Katilda... heh heh... (hiccup) (slurs something into her ear)

Katilda: BLIK! (slap)

Gordon: (accent's gone- he's too out of it to remember) And so, so I told him, I told him... what'd I tell him? I told him... I told him something, that's it, something... and then-

Hovis: (passing through) Gordon, you do realize you are conversing with a fallen streamer?

Waffle: Why are they even DRINKING that stuff? It's gross.

Ellie: Whatever the reason, it's kinda funny. (sips root beer) And I don't even think Blik's noticed that I took "his" soda...

Narrator: I'm really not interested in giving the details for anymore of THAT incident. It was pretty much that until the night; Kimberly stayed on that couch, Gordon passed out in a corner, Waffle managed to get to bed, and Katilda dragged Blik upstairs. I left before seeing if she came down or not...

Why, yes, I WAS there. How do you think I know all of what happened? Fun night, really. That's why I practically sprinted home to record it for posterity and share the tale for all who would interest in hearing.

I do hope the cats don't find out about this! Heh heh... Merry Christmas!

-Ellie

* * *

AFTERNOTE!

I lack ownership of the following!

-Catscratch. That's Tennapel's and Nickelodeon's, if you weren't already well aware.

-"You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch". Dr. Seuss wrote the book (who doesn't know that?) and the song. Thurl Ravenscroft sang it. I looked that up just for this. See how much I care? I did write "You're A Mean One, Mr. Blik", though. So I did SOMETHING creative.

-What of those songs Ellie sang? They are as follows:

"Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass" by The Arrogant Worms

a song from Invader Zim's "The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever" - I see it called "Santa Song" and "Bow Down". I don't believe it HAS a title.

"Comin' Out For Christmas" by Voltaire

I wanna blame my friends, but only one of those was actually shown to me by a friend. So I really just have weird taste in music.

Well, um... that would be all. Merry Christmas, folks!

Irk Splee


End file.
